Teri S. Brown

On November 17, 2009, Teri Shelby Brown (57) died as she lived her life, with grace and dignity. Her loving children, Shelby, Jeremy and his wife, Naomi, accompanied and cared for her through the challenges of ALS (Lou Gehrig’s disease) and were with her during her final peaceful moments.

Teri was happily married to Scott J. Brown for 32 years until he preceded her in death in 2006. Throughout the marriage they were faithfully involved with the Grace Church family, they delighted in their children and their activities, and, oh yes, Lobo basketball.

Teri graduated from Manzano and received her BA and MA from UNM. During a 25-year career with APS she taught at Truman and Inez. Her leadership ability inspired others and she became an APS District Math Leader and an Instructional Coach at Mark Twain. In 2003 she won the Presidential Award for Excellence in Mathematics.

Along the way she played softball, made posole, led Bible studies, and shared her husband’s joy in nature. She is also survived by her father, Joe Shelby and his wife, Marge, her sisters and their husbands, Janice and Lucky Sells, Lynn and Chuck Colberg as well as caring nephews, nieces, and extended family.

A celebration of Teri’s life will be held on Saturday, November 21, 2009 at 10:00 at Grace Church, 6901 San Antonio Dr. NE 87109. Memorial contributions may be made to:

Young Life – Albuquerque and sent to Grace Church or to A.P.S. Foundation-TLS Math Fund 6400 Uptown NE Ste. 420 W. Albuquerque, NM 87110 Flowers may be sent to Grace Church.

November 17, 2009

It is done. She is free.

Cranes & Swimming

Finally, Monday came and I knew I had four precious days off. So, motivated to get the most of the time, I woke up early and got a run in. Came back and got Mom showered and myself ready. Not an easy plan of events to complete by 10am. Eventually, by about 11 we made it down to my Aunt & Uncle's and with Jeremy also we made it to the open space to see the cranes. Beautiful, the sun, the peaceful field and as Mom approached the cranes, they took off, slowly circled and flew away.

The next day, I had a work meeting and Mom got to see the hospice nurse. After the morning of activities we loaded up and made our way up to the foothills and enjoyed a very relaxing soak in the hot tub. This was the first time Mom has had a soak since she had the feeding tube placed. And thankfully the entire activity was very uneventful. To see her muscles twitching all over her body continually - it must feel so good to defy gravity in such a small way and have a slight change of perception.

Today, we finally made it to church. I had been so looking forward to this fellowship, and was challenged by the events of the morning to be able to enjoy the communion and people. Mom was so glad to see everyone and flitted around giving hugs out. So good to see her enjoy something that has always been such an important part of her life.

So often I find myself wondering what is going to happen next and will I be able to handle what I am faced with.

The Past Three Weeks

So, in the past three weeks we have had an amazing amount of activity and I am pretty sure Mom is tolerating it better than I.

The end of September brought a trip for me to San Diego and a birthday surprise. Although I am slightly embarrassed about the surprise event, we had a great time at a Britney Spears concert. Pretty hilariously entertaining. It was so good to see friends and have a little time to do some wine tasting and some real shopping too!

The next week Mom and I hosted my old roommates from California. Three girls and two beautiful babies. This is the first time that they have experienced The Land of Enchantment and all of its glory. They were impressed especially with the food and the skies. We did Acoma, Santa Fe and of course, the main event - Balloon Fiesta. They now want to come back with the rest of their families. We had a great time and they were totally enchanted.

The next week we got all of us packed up and made the trek all the way across the country to my cousin's wedding in New Hampshire. So, so beautiful and so, so good to see family and celebrate. The plane rides made me a little nervous, but went surprisingly well. It was hard to be that far away from home, but I know that Mom enjoyed our Duck tour in Boston and the beautiful leaves on the way to Jackson, NH and the little bit of snow we got to see and the fun time with family.

In the midst of all this I continue to work full time and still coordinate Mom's schedule. Not an easy job. So many friends and I can barely fit them all into our schedule. We are still doing the tube feeding about 6 times a day and Mom is needing more intense help with the activities of daily living. Very time consuming. She still loves walking and movies and being with friends - a little bragging, but we have been told that her smiles are biggest for Jeremy, Naomi and me. It is so variable whether she has energy or is feeling well. This makes it difficult to make plans too far into the future. But I am so very thankful for the friends and family who have committed to spending time with Mom regularly. As par for the course, I have been able to share some of my professional expertise as Mom is needing more and more skilled care. It is not easy to take care of some one you love in this way, but I do know that it is so important. We are all going to be there someday and to show this kind of love, especially for a friend, a sister, a mother, a child; this can be such a precious time.

I am back at work today, the last of three, and then we will have four days off together, in Albuquerque, to do what ever we want. We are thinking of swimming at a friend's house and taking a walk to see the sandhill cranes.

A Dad Memory

I came home about two weeks before Dad died. I got to spend so precious time with him, doing what Jeremy and Mom had been doing for years. I took him to radiation treatment, pain doctors, chemo, cooked for him, gave him medications. But my favorite story makes me smile every time I remember.

Mom and Dad had decided to spend time in Colorado at Health Quarters. It is a program that focuses on cleansing the body and attempting to rid the body by only putting in pure nutrients and providing the resources so that the body can fight any and all diseases. The diet was purely raw fruits and vegetables: fresh, home made juices and many different supplements. So when I came home I was amazed at how skinny Dad was. I think it was becoming more of a reality that we were not going to be able to beat the cancer. We were just at the point of finally starting hospice and trying continually control the constant pain.

I had taken Dad to a doctor's appointment and we were on our way home. And I had decided that he was far too thin, not getting any good tasting food and not getting better. He didn't have a large appetite so it was hard to get him to eat large quantities of anything. I decided that he just needed more calories and got him anything that he would eat.

We had just finished an appointment with his pain doctor and were on our way home. I asked Dad if he would like a McDonald's ice cream. He said "No." I offered a couple of times and finally he agreed. We stopped and went through the drive through so we could get home and let him rest as quickly as possible. At the order window, the conversation went like this.

"Welcome to McDonald's, may I take your order?" said the voice over the speaker.
"Yes, I would like one soft serve vanilla cone please."
"One soft serve vanilla cone, is that all you need today?" the voice said.
"Yes...."
"NO WAIT!" Dad interrupted.
"Excuse me?" I said.
"We also need a Whopper and fries!" Dad explained.
"OK," I told the voice. "We also need a Whopper and fries, please."
"You might have to eat the ice cream first." I told Dad.
"That's fine." He told me.

So we got up to the take out window and got Dad an ice cream cone, a Whopper and fries. I was totally surprised that my Dad even knew that McDonald's had W hoppers and that he was so willing to eat it instead of his raw veggies. The ice cream was mostly gone by the time we got home and he ate almost the entire Whopper and fries. So strange, I can count on two hands how many times my parents took us to McDonald's to eat.

I hope this story is as entertaining to read as it is for me to remember. I do love and cherish that these memories are so fun. That was my Dad. Witty, surprising, funny and not at all a junk food man.

Up & Down

Life is exhausting. We get up in the morning, shower, brush our teeth, eat breakfast, take medicine, read the newspaper and this is all before our day even starts. Then we work and socialize and eat again. Maybe exercise, a little TV, sweep the floor and go to bed to do it all again in the morning. And then in addition to the "regular" life, we add parties and people, grocery shopping, trips, endless odd errands and so on. Busy.

Yesterday, Mom woke me up at about 2:30 in the morning. Still not sure what the root cause of the problem was, but I got her cleaned up and into my bed by about 3:30. Slept for another two interrupted hours and then got up to go to work. After I got out of the shower, I found Mom in her bathroom and she was just not doing well. Very flat affect, unable to answer any questions, and not directed in what she wanted herself. Lots and lots of saliva, which in turn causes lots of choking and she was needing suctioning and having a hard time breathing. So, I ended up not going to work. I just needed to be with Mom. It was a rough day. In the afternoon, we finally asked Mom if she was having any pain. "Yes, Yes, Yes." Where is your pain? She pointed to her chest. Not what she usually points to. Usually it is her feeding tube insertion site. Little more nervous. We gave her some oxygen and some morphine. I am not sure if it was just not feeling well or the morphine, but she was soon stumbling around the house. This is not something we normally have to deal with. So, finally, I was able to get her into bed, and because she was still so unsteady I decided to sleep with her, for fear that she might get up and fall.

We did wake up twice in the night to go to the bathroom and each time it was very hard to focus on the main objective of the awakening. Then we were up at 6:30 this morning getting ready for the day. Feeding, showering and then off to fix her tooth that she broke the morning before. (She bit her yanker so hard she cracked her cap off.) But now she is ready for Halloween with her golden pirate's tooth. It is now evening and we are doing a little better, but it remains very hard to focus on anything. She just keeps wandering around and around the house.

Day by day. Up and down. Round and round. Good and bad. We take each day as it comes and try and try to find the best and the precious moments. Right now Mom is sitting behind me on the couch and rubbing my back. She is usually the one to get her back scratched - her favorite thing in the world.

Oh, Fleeting Sleep

I have not ever been a single mother, but at times I wonder if this situation has given me a glimpse of what that would be like. I live with someone who is totally dependent. Not always able to discern right from wrong. Needs help showering, eating, dressing, and turning the television on. Needs reminding, encouraging and refocusing often. Dealing with someone who needs to be entertained, but also can only tolerate a certain amount of activity or stimulation. Learning to put someone else’s basic needs far above my own because of the unconditional love. Patience, patience, patience. I know how important it is to invest time. Having bedtime rituals. Being able to survive on three hours of disrupted sleep and going to work for 12 hours. Worrying, while I am at work about who is taking care of my charge. Worrying how much longer I am going to have to be in this situation. Worrying how much longer I am going to get this special moment in time. Having specific feeding times. Trying to take care of someone who is often unable to communicate her own needs and wants. Cleaning the house, doing laundry, dishes, bills, organizing “play dates”.

I remember the movie “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”. How he was born old, and through his life aged in reverse.

As a nurse I know that dignity is always lost when one is sick and dying. This seems to be so hard for many patients I have taken care of. They get to a point where taking a shower can be the most exhausting part of the day. Where having a bowel movement becomes a public event. When you can no longer walk down the hall without assistance. But I do know that some are able to go through this process with more grace than others. And I do have to say, unabashedly biased, that my mother is the picture of poised grace. Through the past 13+ months she has dealt with the hand she has been given. Her smile gives away her true feelings - joy for the day, and the blessings in the midst of the storm. We ran into an old friend today who I have not seen in years. One of the first things he commented on was Mom’s smile. How happy she is. Then he recalled that she has always been a happy person. I’m not sure if this is totally true, but as far back as I can remember I have lived in a loving, supportive, peaceful, and happy home. This I know is a direct result of my parents’ faith and relationship with the Lord and the love that overflowed from that.

As I have been writing this, I have heard Mom get out of bed to suction her mouth. She has brought me special cream to put behind her ears where her medicated patches irritate her skin. And now she has climbed into my bed and her head is resting on my shoulder. Hearing her steady breathing and her Mom smell are a perfect end to my busy day.

Although “Benjamin’s” body aged in reverse in a fictional story, I do not think that it is a totally unfounded concept. It is truly a circle of life. And I know that I am so blessed to travel part of it with my Mom.