Oh, Fleeting Sleep

I have not ever been a single mother, but at times I wonder if this situation has given me a glimpse of what that would be like. I live with someone who is totally dependent. Not always able to discern right from wrong. Needs help showering, eating, dressing, and turning the television on. Needs reminding, encouraging and refocusing often. Dealing with someone who needs to be entertained, but also can only tolerate a certain amount of activity or stimulation. Learning to put someone else’s basic needs far above my own because of the unconditional love. Patience, patience, patience. I know how important it is to invest time. Having bedtime rituals. Being able to survive on three hours of disrupted sleep and going to work for 12 hours. Worrying, while I am at work about who is taking care of my charge. Worrying how much longer I am going to have to be in this situation. Worrying how much longer I am going to get this special moment in time. Having specific feeding times. Trying to take care of someone who is often unable to communicate her own needs and wants. Cleaning the house, doing laundry, dishes, bills, organizing “play dates”.

I remember the movie “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”. How he was born old, and through his life aged in reverse.

As a nurse I know that dignity is always lost when one is sick and dying. This seems to be so hard for many patients I have taken care of. They get to a point where taking a shower can be the most exhausting part of the day. Where having a bowel movement becomes a public event. When you can no longer walk down the hall without assistance. But I do know that some are able to go through this process with more grace than others. And I do have to say, unabashedly biased, that my mother is the picture of poised grace. Through the past 13+ months she has dealt with the hand she has been given. Her smile gives away her true feelings - joy for the day, and the blessings in the midst of the storm. We ran into an old friend today who I have not seen in years. One of the first things he commented on was Mom’s smile. How happy she is. Then he recalled that she has always been a happy person. I’m not sure if this is totally true, but as far back as I can remember I have lived in a loving, supportive, peaceful, and happy home. This I know is a direct result of my parents’ faith and relationship with the Lord and the love that overflowed from that.

As I have been writing this, I have heard Mom get out of bed to suction her mouth. She has brought me special cream to put behind her ears where her medicated patches irritate her skin. And now she has climbed into my bed and her head is resting on my shoulder. Hearing her steady breathing and her Mom smell are a perfect end to my busy day.

Although “Benjamin’s” body aged in reverse in a fictional story, I do not think that it is a totally unfounded concept. It is truly a circle of life. And I know that I am so blessed to travel part of it with my Mom.